mood: 
discontent
Ever see the movie Hope Floats? I'll probably have my Guy Club membership revoked for this, but I thought it was a good movie. Anyway- one thing that always stuck in my head was how Harry Connick's character described his decision to do odd jobs instead of the architecture he's so good at. He said something to the effect of "Why would I spend all day turning something I love into a job I grow to hate?" This probably isn't even close to the actual line, but I remember the sentiment
I really enjoy working with computers. Given the time, I would actually study new computer languages just for the heck of it! But this accursed job is really dragging me down. This project that we're on has no chance of being done on time, but my mangers are of the school of thought that if you insist something often enough and loudly enough, it will come to pass. Therefore, we're all working these brutal hours.
For the last two weeks, I've worked 12-16 hour days. But not on the weekends- I'm starting to understand what "pushback" is. If management pushes hard enough and long enough, employees start to say "You know what? it's just not worth it. Screw you." I honestly think that if 1) the job market wasn't so soft OR 2) my wife wasn't pregnant, I would have walked by now. Can you believe that? I actually would have considered quitting a job when I have a wife who's expecting!
I'm trying -striving, really- to act and feel how I talk. I say things like "Screw it- I don't care if they fire me. I'm working 8 hours and that's it." and most especially: "I'm not going to let it get to me." But then I don't act like that; I let it get to me. I get nervous that I'll get yelled at for "not being a team player" or "not owning your job" (whatever that jargonbabble is supposed to mean), and I get frustrated that I won't finish my part of the project.
The punch line here is that we're the only group working in this kind of frenzy. All the other groups are pretty much twiddling their thumbs, waiting to see what the upcoming buyout means for the Information Technology group. And the only incentive we've been offered is that if we stay until the buyout is final, we'll get part of the bonus for this year that we wouldn't have received due to crappy stock market performance. That's all. And everyone who stays gets that; it doesn't matter if we're overworked or we're twiddlers.
Anyway, for those who care- that's where I've been. I've fallen behind in my e-mail, my comic reading, and especially my comic writing. That really steams me, because it seems like the forces of the universe are conspiring to keep me from putting out a comic strip. Every time I start to get my strip rolling, something happens to make me set it aside for a while.
I used to like my job, and I like owning my own house and being able to afford a car. But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that has been wistfully remembering my starving artist period. I'd still work a crappy job, but at a specified hour I could walk away and do what I wanted. Now, I find myself guilty for working only 8 1/2 hours today. Oh, well. This, too, will pass. Maybe I'll even enjoy computing again some day.
determined